In Bloodlust the other day this leporid shifter comes in, I was told he looked a bit bedraggled and tired but he starts this ruckus. I thought I would share what was told to me:
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The tavern smelled of woodsmoke, old beer, and someone’s failed attempt at stew. Rayven sat with her back to the wall, one hand wrapped around a glass, her eyes narrowed and dangerous as a drawn blade.
Mav sprawled across from her, English privateer swagger intact, whiskey balanced with the ease of someone who’d survived too many storms to care about tavern squabbles.
Falcon leaned in the shadows, broad Gallic shoulders hunched like stone arches, silent and unimpressed.
Lokki, of course, grinned like chaos had pulled up a chair.
It began with a pint slammed so hard the table shivered. A rabbit shifter in a crooked bowler stood, ears bent, whiskers twitching.
“I’m not a joke,” he rasped. “I just want a whiskey… and a union.”
The room cracked up. A carrot sailed through the air.
The rabbit slapped a parchment on the table. Bold letters, orange ink bleeding from a carrot seal: THE RIGHT TO CARROTS ACT. SIGN HERE.
“No more cheap laughs!” he barked. “No more dying for someone’s punchline! Three carrots minimum per twitch, hazard pay for Monty Python reenactments, and burrows that don’t flood at the equinox!”
Rayven’s glass froze midair. “Tell me this isn’t happening.”
Mav smirked. “If it is, at least they’ve better contract terms than most sailors I knew.”
Falcon muttered under his breath, a curse heavy as stone.
Lokki slapped the bar, nearly spilling his drink. “Shut up, all of you. This is glorious.”
The rabbit drew another parchment from his coat. “Sign, or face the consequences.”
“What consequences?” a townsman sneered. “The spotted murder-bunnies?”
The lamps flickered. Rafters creaked. Tiny figures dropped into the sawdust — rabbits with spotted fur and tiny sabers strapped to their backs. They did not laugh.
Silence wrapped the room.
Rayven’s hand slid toward her blade. Mav’s eyebrow arched. Falcon straightened, shoulders blotting out the lamplight.
Lokki howled with laughter. “Sign the damn paper! This is history.”
The townsfolk scrambled for the quill, scrawling names in carrot ink.
The rabbit gathered the parchment, bowler tipping low. “Justice. Dignity. Whiskey.” He downed his pint, turned on his heel, and stomped out with the spotted murder-bunnies trailing like silent guards.
When the door swung shut, breath returned.
Rayven drained her glass. “Next time, I’m drinking somewhere else.”
Mav raised hers with a crooked smile. “Next time, I’m buying front-row seats.”
Falcon shook his head.
Lokki lifted his cup high. “To carrots, comrades!”
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Mav tells me she got a look at this petition. I thought it was hilarious so I'm going to leave it below for anyone that wants to help the bunny shifters.
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Coalition of Indignant Bunnies (CIB)
Ratified at Bloodlust Tavern, under flickering lamps and the suspicious gaze of witnesses.
Whereas:
Leporids and their shifter kin have suffered centuries of mockery, comedic death scenes, and Monty Python references without compensation.
Rabbits are more than props, punchlines, and Easter mascots.
Carrots are currency, culture, and dignity.
Therefore, be it resolved:
1. Hazard Pay: Three (3) carrots per comedic twitch. Five (5) for staged pratfalls.
2. Monty Python Clause: All reenactments shall include double carrots and a pint of whiskey for surviving members.
3. Burrow Standards: Dry roofs, equitable straw, and optional reading nooks.
4. Dignity Clause: No forced deaths for cheap narrative effect. (Tragic sacrifice is negotiable, but only with snacks.)
5. Union Solidarity: Spotted Murder-Bunnies shall serve as enforcement arm, sabers optional.
Signed this night, under protest and carrot-ink:
X ___________________________
(Name / Pawprint / Whisker Mark)
X ___________________________
(Witness, preferably disgruntled)
X ___________________________
(Carrot inspector approval stamp)
Failure to comply may result in synchronized ear-flops, lettuce strikes, or the sudden appearance of spotted murder-bunnies in your rafters.
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Feel free to sign below yourself to support the bunnies!
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